Sometimes, I talk too much. In my head to myself and out of my head to others and sometimes even to people who aren’t really there. I get a lot of strange looks when I answer a question that I thought I heard, but actually was never asked. Its hard to get out of my head sometimes. Who do you tell when you feel like you’re going to burst if you don’t get it all out RIGHT NOW? Not later, but NOW. How do you push the words that have been swimming in your head all day long out fast enough to satisfy the need you have but slow enough that the person listening can understand?
As is obvious from above, I’m starting to hallucinate again. At first it was mumbled sounds that I can’t find a source from. Then it was definite words or partial sentences that had me asking, “I’m sorry, what?” quite a few times a day. Now, I’ve almost gotten the hang of figuring out what’s inside my head and what’s actually real. If you’ve never had an hallucination, even a mild one as a side effect from some medication, please believe me that they are not like the hologram images you see like Princess Leia’s “Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi…” They aren’t staticky sounding like an old phone on speaker with noise in the back ground. Those fuckers are REAL. They feel real, they look real, they sound real. Hell, some of them even smell real. The only difference between the hallucinations and reality is that one reality is only in your head where you can’t share it with anyone, and the other reality is open to the public.
It’s frightening. I’ve been on medication for hallucinations for a while, and we’ve just recently changed to one that will hopefully not make me a zombie. It doesn’t seem to be working at the current dose, though. I see my psychiatrist soon, though, but I haven’t found a new therapist since I’ve been back in town, so who do I tell? Who would understand the frustration, the fear, the tears, and the fact that I would like to just curl up in my closet with my favorite blanket and my Nook just so I can not think about it or try to talk about it?
And there’s always the worry — will they believe me? Do they think I’m just making it up for attention? Do they even care enough to listen or have they already written me off as batshit crazy?
And that is exactly why this place means so much to me. I can write anything and so long as it’s being helpful to me, no one else’s opinion matters. If what I’ve said can help someone, that’s going to totally rock my day, but if they think I’m just crazy and not worth listening to, there’s a red “X” in the corner and they can be on with their day.
I want to babble now. It’s time for me to click save and post, and for the first time that I can ever remember, I’m afraid to post something. But I have to learn to open up and it’s either go big or go home. So I guess we’re going big.