Work has dragged on for an interminable amount of time these last few weeks. I mean, it’s had me seriously considering if it is, in fact, possible for time to move so slowly that it’s going backwards. When work is that slow, I take whatever moments of entertainment that I can find and enjoy the hell out of them.
A week or so ago, I just get ready to have lunch (a *cough*healthy*cough* lean cuisine sort of frozen thing). The microwave beeps and I’m waiting the required one to two minutes that you’re supposed to leave frozen meals in the microwave (it’s on the box, in the directions — I promise) and then the phone rings.
I will admit, I muttered a few non-work appropriate comments as I pick up the extension to see what was going wrong at that moment in time.
“Hey, we have a few guys up in the pharmacy and I think they’re trying to steal something. You’d better come up here.”
It’s nearly 3am in the morning. I’m cranky, I’m hungry, and now someone is trying to be badass shoplifters. ARGH.
So, I look longingly towards the still beeping microwave and head towards the pharmacy area. Sure enough, there are three kids huddled around one of the shelves, giggling. Yes, you heard that right. These badass thieves are GIGGLING as they fiddle with various condom packages. It was all I could do to not roll my eyes and let it go.
But I have an evil streak.
I also have a push up bra, low cut shirt, and more than decent cleavage if I do say so myself. And, I have an evil streak.
The boys don’t realize that I’m walking up behind them until I tap the one in the middle on the shoulder. When he turned around, I had to really struggle with not busting up in laughter. This kid couldn’t be older than 17 if he was a day old. The whole “crew” was around that age. It was really kind of cute when they started to blush and kind of stammer as they looked anywhere but at me.
I leaned in and used a stage whisper to somewhat “conspiratorially” tell the boys — “Hey, you know, you don’t have to steal condoms. The health department gives them away for free.” And I just smiled very sweetly as my words sunk in, their faces brightened even more, and they just couldn’t get out of the store fast enough.
I doubt that I’ll see them anytime in the near future.
The girl who called me up in the first place looked at me after they hightailed it away and she was more than a little stunned. “I thought we weren’t supposed to accuse shoplifters.”
“Well, you probably shouldn’t, but being management, I have a little more discretion in how I choose to handle situations.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that I was providing stellar customer service. I was simply advising the boys where they could find the product they were looking for (condoms) at the price they wanted (free) without the threat of me calling their moms and/or the police. What better customer service could they ask for?”
She didn’t have an answer.
Originally posted summer of 2011